Friends and Welshmen, I hereby announce myself as an Independent candidate for the Monmouth constituency of the Welsh Parliament. All being well and the will of the voting public being with me, the Senedd will soon play host to its first openly devil-worshipping, self-serving, ruthlessly materialistic rotten bastard – as opposed to my long-haired opponents, those closeted part-timers in the mainstream political parties who hide their convictions behind weasel words, grand ideological claims and outright lies.
It is with a heavy head and a solemn heart – not to mention a full bladder and a dicky spleen – that I confront the burden of political office, and the terrifying prospect of representing constituents with whom I cannot reliably make eye contact.
My manifesto is a work in progress, as a month is a long time in politics and I am indecisive, but here is the current state of policy in the Garradian camp:
I stand for revaluation of the British Pound Sterling. Billions and trillions are stupid numbers for ‘winning’ playground arguments. Make everyone’s pounds worth more and whack a few zeroes off the end – that should bring the numbers down to levels which ordinary humans can understand. As a bonus, a loaf of bread will once again cost something sensible like ninepence, and the farthing will be returned to circulation. A tax on billionaires’ tears will fund the other measures on this manifesto.
To further protect the British public from the depredations of the financial sector, saying “four nine nine ninety-five” instead of “four hundred and ninety-nine pounds ninety-five pence” in advertisements will become a hanging offence. Offering goods for £499.95 instead of £500 to make them look cheaper will be punishable by two years’ hard labour. Falling for it will be punishable by two weeks’ community service under a supervisor wearing an “I’m With Stupid” shirt.
Wales will immediately withdraw from the European Union and, under the provisionally-titled Taking Our Ball And Going Home With It Act, found a League of Celtic Nations with Scotland, Cornwall, Brittany and the Isle of Man. Ireland will be granted provisional membership provided their delegate stays sober and turns up. In the event of their failure to do so, membership will be offered to the top bit of Italy or the Basques instead – whoever can beat the other lot at rugby.
Welsh, Latin, High Gothic and Gallifreyan will be compulsory school subjects until the age of eighteen, in order to prepare our young people for life in the modern vast cosmic nothingness inhabited by terrifying entities of colossal and arcane power. The blasphemous croaking speech of the Deep Ones and their half-human spawn will remain an option after GCSE.
- Law and Order
The statute books will undergo immediate review to protect Welshmen from being shot with a longbow by Englishmen anywhere at all. (Note to Campaign Management: the eating of hot cross buns outside the Easter period will remain a criminal offence, pending a referendum in the event that any scandals need covering up.)
- GBLTQ&A* Issues
Pronouns will be abolished because I’m fucked if I’m going to remember whatever jumble of syllables the genderqueer crowd have come up with for their fictive headmate multiple systems this week. Or rather, Jon’s fucked if Jon’s going to remember. Doesn’t that sound grand?
- Red Tape
Members of the Senedd will have to pass a written examination, set by experts in the field, before proposing a policy affecting professionals within that field. (Note to Campaign Management: this legislation will come into force after I stand down in disgrace following a carefully-engineered scandal involving my genitals, an offshore tax account, four separate nests of serpents and the schematics to Bentham’s Panopticon. NOT FOR CIRCULATION.)
I have every intention of paying for my own damn housing, holidays, transport, blackjack, hookers etc. etc., but demand a modest stipend of £185.50 per calendar month for the upkeep of several cats.
Funding will be withdrawn from the Severn Bridge – people who want to go to Bristol will just have to take a sodding train – and diverted into a Welsh space programme, devoted to establishing Anglesey as the first lunar colony by means of a really big elastic band.
- Urban Development
The people of Wrexham and Chester will be encouraged to sort it properly. You know what I mean. Let’s have it out between their top boys. No more faffing about. Just sort it.
- Drugs and Alcohol
All Class C drugs will be decriminalised. All budget cider of the White Ace/Lightning/Mischief/Power/Trash variety will be criminalised. (Note to Campaign Management: this is not reverse racism but a sincere effort to get cheap, nasty booze off the streets. Be sure to make that clear.)
Queries, inquiries, donations, wild accusations and improper suggestions should be addressed to my Press Office, which can be found down the back of the sofa in the King’s Head Hotel, Abergavenny.
Hail Satan, and let the good times roll!